3. Hidden: Denial

I think that having a tendency towards staying hidden can be compared to having a tendency toward numbing. When I say numbing, I am referring to a coping mechanism in which alcohol or drugs or food or even tv can be used to avoid dealing with feelings. First of all, neither one of those tendencies involves dealing with what’s in front of my face. Second of all, when I hide myself I’m not just hiding MS. I am guarding and hiding all of me. I’m hiding my talents, my compassion toward myself and others, and I’m keeping myself from interacting with life in fulfilling and meaningful ways. If I numb I’m not just numbing the pain of MS, I’m also numbing the joy of everything else.

Since I’ve started this blog I’ve written my story down several times to try and get it all right. I’ve shared these feelings with my best friends. I’ve had my husband proof read my drafts. I’ve sat with MS directly more in the last few months than I have in the last 5 years. It’s made a difference. I feel free. I got myself an MS sticker and put it on my back pack. When I take my back pack around town. I feel brave and I feel I can be myself. <exhale>

I don’t think that processing grief is a linear progression. Some days I’m in denial and then some days I’m depressed and then some days I feel like I’ve got this and I can handle it all very well. Then Monday rolls around and I’m like, WHAT!!! I have MS. Maybe I need a second opinion. <sigh> To be clear I’ve seen 2 different neurologist. They both conclude I have MS. So yes, I did go there, and for peace of mind it was worth it.